Tag Archives: memory

Happy Anniversary, MS….

Its been 10 years to the day…. not 10 years since I developed MS but 10 years since my diagnosis.  I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night but I can remember the phone call and all that led up to the diagnosis…  I’ve written about all this before.

I’ve been thinking about what I would like to post today (besides vowing to post more).   I don’t think I want to write about too many details of the diagnosis.  But I would like to recognize my blessings and offer encouragement.

I know that a lot of people experience a lot of things/illnesses that shape their lives and by no means do I want to seem like an ‘everything is terrible’ blog post writer.    But things have changed a lot for me.   I am no where near the person I thought I’d be at this point in my life.  I grieve that.  It makes me mad.   The fatigue issue and the walking issue really get me.  I’m on a cane now,  I wear an AFO.    I envy those that can wear those awesome high heels.

So I struggle with the discrepancy with where I am and where I thought I would be.  I struggle with accepting God’s will for my life.   Am I telling Him that His design for my life is just not good enough?  I hope not.   I pray for His will to be shown for my life and when it is/was, I was surprised.   I read an article the other day that I want to quote… the article appeared in HomeLife and is not about illness but I love this quote:

“Before, I prayed, ‘if the Lord wills’ such and such will happen.  After, I realized that I didn’t mean it when I said it.  I said, ‘If the Lord wills,’ but I never honestly thought that my plans for life wouldn’t be His plans.  I was smitten with the illusion of control.  If I just worked hard enough, prayed hard enough, lived right enough, things would work out.  Now when I say, ‘Tomorrow I will do this or that,’  I don’t have any illusion that it will happen… unless the Lord wills.” (Ron L. Deal)

I would love to take MS and toss it over a cliff.  But I can’t.   When I take the time to look past myself and all the things that I think I need and want,  I can see how much God has blessed me.   Especially with my husband.   He has been my staunch advocate.  He does more reading on MS that I have ever done.    He is continually thinking of ways to make my life easier.   He loves me.   And I love him.    Which brings me to my kids, who have really seen too much.   Our son was 9 and our daughter was 12 when I was diagnosed.    They are so used to all of this…   I was working full time when I was diagnosed and taking them to school.    One blessing I can name off the top of my head is the fact I got to be at home with them during the last years of their schooling.    And I got to see them grow into the wonderful people they are.

Have another good day!!

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Filed under January 2015, Uncategorized

Tote Bag

My sister found some cool place mats recently.   She made a tote bag out of hers and of course that inspired me to make a tote bag out of mine.    I am enjoying learning how to sew.   Somehow I would rather learn how to make something from a book than listen to verbal instruction with nothing written.   Some people can listen to verbal instructions and they’ve got it.   I’ve got to have it written down to refer back to.  I’ve had my husband say “No!  Don’t write this.. just listen.”  Well, it doesn’t work that way for me.  It used to, but now not so much.  My MS won’t allow me to keep it in my brain.  If I’m worrying about something.. sure I can remember that.   I can remember our phone number from when I was 6 years old.    But if I’m learning something now, I gotta write that stuff down.

Anyway,  here’s some (not so hot ) pics of  my very own tote bag.  It wasn’t that wrinkley but its been sitting in a kitchen chair for about two weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under May 2012

A High School Reunion, Of Sorts

My 30th high school reunion is coming up.

Yesterday was a weird day.   I guess it was my day to run into people I went to high school with.

Yesterday morning, I sort of ran into the guy who took me to the Senior prom.   I know that he and his family live nearby and I know that he has at least five kids.  I was going in to vote and he was coming out with some of his daughters.    I was feeling pretty good at that moment and said “Hi”.   He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and said “Hi”.    He was probably afraid.  I was a strange one at the end of my senior year.   He took me and my friend and her boyfriend ice skating after graduation.   I don’t remember much about that day except being scared that he was going to try to hold my hand.   I remember thinking he was a wimp because he was allergic to sesame seeds.  Anyway,  my friend took me into the ladies locker room at the skating rink and said ” ‘X’ thinks you don’t like him.”  I said “Why?”  She said “Because you won’t SKATE with him.”     Well,  I guess he got the message.   I never heard from him or for that matter,  my friend,  again.    She went off to college and wouldn’t return my phone calls.    I did get an invite to her wedding,  so there’s that.

Then later on in the day,  I ran into a person that made my senior year very hard (well, hell) for me.    I had run into him a few times since graduation.  (I know,  I know… its been 30 years)   Never once had he spoken to me.  Until yesterday.   Oh geez.   He jumped up and hugged me and started talking.  Introduced me to his wife and two boys.   While I stood there, dumbstruck, next to my husband (who happens to be the love of my life) , all of a sudden he was an old buddy, old pal.   The things he said (and did)  during my senior year hurt me very much.   If I had been smart and up front with my parents,  I could have transferred to public school.  But I didn’t.  I was determined that I would not be ‘run off’ from school.

While everything is ok now,  I still think about that time in my life with my 17 year old mind.   Like everyone is exactly like they were 30 years ago.   I expected him to be the person he was then.  And he’s not.  Heck,  I’m not the person I was 30 years ago.   (Thank goodness.)

He mentioned the 30 year reunion,  I still don’t know if I’ll go.   I swore the night I graduated that I would never, ever go back.  And I haven’t.

PS.   When I was pregnant with my son,  a girl I went to school with called to invite me to our 15th(??).  I told her forget it.   That I don’t know why they kept inviting me because I wasn’t going to be there.   Oh boy,  no wonder she won’t talk to me in the grocery store.   But I was hormonal.   Doesn’t that count for anything???

 

 

 

 

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Filed under January 2012

Two Art Related Memories

This is weird but I was just sitting here reading an art magazine and wondering if I always liked art.

I think I have but I let others either discourage my interest with their words or with their actions.   And me being me,  I let time and opportunity pass and really didn’t try anything until my late 30s or early 40s.     I let other peoples opinions and my own lack of belief in myself and my abilities paralyze me.    But I can’t entirely blame others for my late ‘art’ start.    As an adult,  I could have done differently,  but I held on to the beliefs of the past rather than look to the future and the possibilities that were there.

My first memory was from when I was in 3rd grade and I finally got to play in the ‘art’ center.   I remember standing there and staring at the white paper on the easel.   There were pots of paint – red, green, blue and yellow – in front of me.  And I couldn’t decide on what to paint.  I remember the teacher coming by and giving suggestions.   And I still couldn’t decide!   Finally,  she came by and said time was up.   I remember I thought “Wait!  Not yet! I haven’t painted anything!!”  Oh please,  I must have thought I had to be a regular Van Gogh at the age of 8.   I couldn’t put anything down because it wouldn’t be perfect.     She probably thought ‘what a weird kid’.

My second memory comes from college.   I had a computer science class across the hall from the art studio.   One day, after struggling up three flights of stairs,  I stopped by the door of the studio.   The lights weren’t on and I didn’t think anyone was there and I peeked in to see what the students had been working on.   But one of the instructors was there and invited me in,  and I wouldn’t go in because I was late for class.   I must say I was more interested in what was going on in there than I was in going to class.   I went on to class but I always wondered what would have happened had I gone in.  I don’t think anything really would have changed.  Lightening would not have struck.  Angels would not have sung.   I wouldn’t have changed my major.  Things would have been the same.  I just like to think of that as an ‘aha’ moment.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the past and things like that.   But it doesn’t matter.   What matters is today.   The past is over.  It is what it is. (Or it was what it was.  haha.)  We can learn from the past.  We can plan for the future and we can hope for the future,  but we dont hold the future.  God does.   What we are given is today.   In 2012,  I want to make some positive changes – one day at a time.

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Filed under January 2012

Memory Lane

A friend of mine had a job interview today.    She was applying for a job in a place where I used to work.   She sent me an email after the interview describing the interview, who she met with and how it went in general.

Of course, me being me,  I wrote back and told her things that I knew about the people she met with.     It was not that I had terrible things to say about these people (I didn’t),  but it got me to thinking about my time there and about the time I spent in subsequent workplaces.

In my mind,  everything over there is as it was when I left.  Like I left and everything has been suspended in time.  I know things change,  people change,  the work changes.   But it was like a dysfunctional, large family where everyone knew everyone (and everyone’s business).    I think for me it represents who I was at the time.  I had energy.  I was a parent with young children.  I was serious-illness free.  Even though I was an ‘adult’ when I was hired on (first job out of college),  it was the place where I did some serious growing.

I left it 12 years ago for various reasons and while I wasn’t completely satisfied over there,  the subsequent places I worked sucked.  I grew in those places as well, but in a direction that wasn’t pleasant.   I had a lot to learn about how things worked on the other side of the fence.   I thought it looked good in a “Well,  I’ll show THEM!” way,  but it turns out they showed me.

Maybe one day I’ll write about my stories from the work place.   Some of them are pretty good.

But anyway,  a few minutes ago I was on Facebook and someone posted how it was the worst day ever at work.  (I can believe it as she works for the people that laid me off.)    And that sick, sinking feeling came back to me.

Even though I’ve been laid off for 3 & 1/2 years and officially disabled for 3 of those,  I still dream about work and the people in all three places I’ve worked.   It frustrates me still.   I mean, why am I still dreaming about all of this?  I don’t spend any time thinking of it during the day.   But at night,  I have usually failed a test, never graduated college,  missed a deadline , etc etc.

So when I’m struggling with the MS,  the diabetes and whatever else is going on,   I remember that sinking feeling and I know that I would not be able to handle the work thing now.    I know that I am where I need to be,  that God in His wisdom  removed me from a situation that was detrimental to my health and now I need to face forward and try to be the person He would have me to be.

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