Its been 10 years to the day…. not 10 years since I developed MS but 10 years since my diagnosis. I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night but I can remember the phone call and all that led up to the diagnosis… I’ve written about all this before.
I’ve been thinking about what I would like to post today (besides vowing to post more). I don’t think I want to write about too many details of the diagnosis. But I would like to recognize my blessings and offer encouragement.
I know that a lot of people experience a lot of things/illnesses that shape their lives and by no means do I want to seem like an ‘everything is terrible’ blog post writer. But things have changed a lot for me. I am no where near the person I thought I’d be at this point in my life. I grieve that. It makes me mad. The fatigue issue and the walking issue really get me. I’m on a cane now, I wear an AFO. I envy those that can wear those awesome high heels.
So I struggle with the discrepancy with where I am and where I thought I would be. I struggle with accepting God’s will for my life. Am I telling Him that His design for my life is just not good enough? I hope not. I pray for His will to be shown for my life and when it is/was, I was surprised. I read an article the other day that I want to quote… the article appeared in HomeLife and is not about illness but I love this quote:
“Before, I prayed, ‘if the Lord wills’ such and such will happen. After, I realized that I didn’t mean it when I said it. I said, ‘If the Lord wills,’ but I never honestly thought that my plans for life wouldn’t be His plans. I was smitten with the illusion of control. If I just worked hard enough, prayed hard enough, lived right enough, things would work out. Now when I say, ‘Tomorrow I will do this or that,’ I don’t have any illusion that it will happen… unless the Lord wills.” (Ron L. Deal)
I would love to take MS and toss it over a cliff. But I can’t. When I take the time to look past myself and all the things that I think I need and want, I can see how much God has blessed me. Especially with my husband. He has been my staunch advocate. He does more reading on MS that I have ever done. He is continually thinking of ways to make my life easier. He loves me. And I love him. Which brings me to my kids, who have really seen too much. Our son was 9 and our daughter was 12 when I was diagnosed. They are so used to all of this… I was working full time when I was diagnosed and taking them to school. One blessing I can name off the top of my head is the fact I got to be at home with them during the last years of their schooling. And I got to see them grow into the wonderful people they are.
Have another good day!!
At long last we’ve reached the end of the scrapbook pictures… I think these are the last two. I have some more work to do on it. I’d like to make the darks ‘darker’ and add some more color.
But anyway. I went to the local craft store and bought more stuff to do more ornaments and try not to complain about it. I hope that these go easier.
I haven’t tried to write anything on here since Valentine’s Day when I wrote out this long description of long-ago Valentines day. Then, through a combination of fumble fingers and who knows what else, I deleted the whole blasted thing.
And from the looks of things, it appears that I’m fixing to do it again.
Anyway, I mentioned earlier that my church is having a Bible study on the book of James. Oh its a good one. I’ve always stayed away from James because it talked about watching what you say. Sigh. I’ve always had a problem with that. Either I don’t say enough. Don’t say the right thing. Don’t give someone a straight answer. Or I have been known to use foul language occasionally.
But James is getting to be more than that.
I’d like to quote something Beth Moore put in her study (she is talking about how James uses Rahab as an example of someone that changes. She was once a prostitute):
“James’ specific focus on what Rahab had done moves me deeply. Do you realize how much of her adult life had been characterized by what she had done?…. God can change what people do. He can change behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Like me, Rahab had done the same old thing for years….. and then she did something new. She believed God and acted on it.”
I have been stuck in patterns of behavior that have needed to be changed for a long time. This reminds me that there is hope. But it looks like I’m going to have to act on it.
My 30th high school reunion is coming up.
Yesterday was a weird day. I guess it was my day to run into people I went to high school with.
Yesterday morning, I sort of ran into the guy who took me to the Senior prom. I know that he and his family live nearby and I know that he has at least five kids. I was going in to vote and he was coming out with some of his daughters. I was feeling pretty good at that moment and said “Hi”. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and said “Hi”. He was probably afraid. I was a strange one at the end of my senior year. He took me and my friend and her boyfriend ice skating after graduation. I don’t remember much about that day except being scared that he was going to try to hold my hand. I remember thinking he was a wimp because he was allergic to sesame seeds. Anyway, my friend took me into the ladies locker room at the skating rink and said ” ‘X’ thinks you don’t like him.” I said “Why?” She said “Because you won’t SKATE with him.” Well, I guess he got the message. I never heard from him or for that matter, my friend, again. She went off to college and wouldn’t return my phone calls. I did get an invite to her wedding, so there’s that.
Then later on in the day, I ran into a person that made my senior year very hard (well, hell) for me. I had run into him a few times since graduation. (I know, I know… its been 30 years) Never once had he spoken to me. Until yesterday. Oh geez. He jumped up and hugged me and started talking. Introduced me to his wife and two boys. While I stood there, dumbstruck, next to my husband (who happens to be the love of my life) , all of a sudden he was an old buddy, old pal. The things he said (and did) during my senior year hurt me very much. If I had been smart and up front with my parents, I could have transferred to public school. But I didn’t. I was determined that I would not be ‘run off’ from school.
While everything is ok now, I still think about that time in my life with my 17 year old mind. Like everyone is exactly like they were 30 years ago. I expected him to be the person he was then. And he’s not. Heck, I’m not the person I was 30 years ago. (Thank goodness.)
He mentioned the 30 year reunion, I still don’t know if I’ll go. I swore the night I graduated that I would never, ever go back. And I haven’t.
PS. When I was pregnant with my son, a girl I went to school with called to invite me to our 15th(??). I told her forget it. That I don’t know why they kept inviting me because I wasn’t going to be there. Oh boy, no wonder she won’t talk to me in the grocery store. But I was hormonal. Doesn’t that count for anything???
I haven’t posted in a long time. Its like I haven’t had too much to say plus I’ve been busy with Christmas.
But I have been thinking about one of my new old favorite Christmas songs. It’s John Lennon’s “So This Is Christmas”. For so many years, I.COULD.NOT.STAND.THAT.SONG. But a few years ago, I was watching a Christmas special on TV and some lady sang it and I could finally understand all the words.
I found the words to be beautiful. Maybe I don’t have the meaning just right but when he sings “another year ovah, a new one just begun”, I used to feel sad but not anymore.
Wait a second… I just googled the lyrics and the subtitle is “The War Is Over”. OK, so the song isn’t about all I thought it was. But the lyrics are still beautiful. Maybe when he wrote it, it was about war, but when I hear it I think about the hope of a new year. And maybe we should examine the year that just past, but we should look forward to the new year with a renewed sense of hope.
“A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear”