Before….

They say hindsight is 20/20.  You can always see things more clearly in hindsight.   I can look back at things that happened (that were no one’s fault) while I was still working and see there were moments that should have caused me to say “AHA!  There really is something strange and unusual happening here.”

One of those moments came on a summer day about 6 to 7 months before my diagnosis.    I worked for a large company and they would always have a company “Olympic games” every time the real Olympics would be occuring.  I was supposed to be participating by wheedling people into participating in the different events.   By this time,  I was walking with a little limp although I didn’t know why.  On this particular day,  the event involved some running.  Uh oh.   Someone didn’t show up and I had to take their spot at the end of line.   I really, really didn’t want to do it but when your boss says to,  you do.

I thought I could do what they were asking.  When my turn came,  I couldn’t run.  I literally could not move.   I made it about 10 feet and could go no further.  My leg would literally not do what my body was asking of it.  The other people finished their turns.  I was left standing there in front of God and everybody.   I tried to laugh it off.

I was so embarrassed.   Oh please, if I could have crawled under the pavement,  I would have.   People were not kind that day.   One comment was “If you were going to lose it for us,  we should have let you go first.”  (Keep in mind that these were ‘adults’.  Ha.)   I still remember that.  I hope I’m not unkind like that.

I walked back to my car to go to lunch wondering what the heck was wrong with my leg.  Wondering why it would not move.  I knew I had a bigger problem but didn’t want to admit it to myself.

I probably should just let it go, like I am supposed to.  But acknowledging this in back and white is something I need to do sometimes.

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